What a surprise, spam

I am confused about something. Let's be honest, I am confused about many things but this is a blog so I should be brief. To hone it down to one topic let's try figure out spam, shall we? Not the square meat product made south of me in Austin, Minnesota (by the way, the SPAM Museum there is an absolute hoot!). I am referring to the ever annoying, ever present, ever morphing and multiplying glut of messages sent to inboxes, junk email folders and the appropriately-named spam folder.


Due to spending every moment at my son's hospital bedside in December I was away from my email for a very long time. When I was able to return to a computer again I found a lot of welcome emails along with a junk folder full of hundreds of spam messages. When I examined my haul I discovered about seven distinct themes:

• penis enlargement/duration


• designer-like purses


• perscirption pills


• designer-like watches


• computer software


• strangers saying hi to me


• notifications of a vast fortune awaiting me

With all the sex and drugs it's no wonder they reproduce so quickly. At first glance the list looks like the script notes for the first season of Sex in the City. However, what the spammers are offering is redundant at best and no where near as entertaining.

Here's what really puzzles me. If I keep blocking them, deleting them or just plain ignoring them; what is the point of continuing to send them to me ad-nauseum? Is being annoying really going to change my mind about crappy products? It reminds me of a great Spongebob Squarepants episode where Spongebob tries to get Squidward to eat his first crabby patty by bugging the shit out of him. Squidward thinks crabby patties are absolute garbage and wants nothing to do with them. When Spongebob follows him into the bathroom to entice him to try one Squidward replies,

"If I didn't want one out there - what makes you think I would find them more appealing in HERE?!"

That's exactly how I feel about spam messages on my computer.